The Perfect Family?
by SnogginGodess
Summary: Ah, but the Weasleys are far from perfect! PG-13 for drug and alcohol use, abuse, and lots of laughs. Go on, flame away! I deserve it! ;)
1. A Typical Day

(Disclaimer: As you have probably all figured out, I OWN NOTHING! I love love love love J.K. Rowling's books. And I LOVE FRED! YAY! Anyway, this is what happens after too much coffee. Please don't flog me. Oh, and for very f***ed up Harry Potter humor go to : http://happy_pony.tripod.com. Enjoy, and if you must flame, bring marshmallows, too. Yum!)  
  
Mrs. Weasley took a deep, shaky breath. Screaming. All the time. That's all those damn kids did. And to think, everyone thought the Weasleys were "the perfect family". Sure, they weren't rich, but money doesn't buy happiness, right?  
  
"Wrong," Mrs. Weasley mumbled, rolling up a joint. "A little money buys me my whisky and my drugs, and that is all the happiness I need." Now, all the Weasleys shared one bad habit: talking to themselves. If the children heard their mother muttering, they would think nothing of it. Nothing at all. She had been drinking ever since Bill's birth. Started up on drugs after Fred and George were born, those little brats, noisy, noisy, noisy they were.  
  
She was so wrapped up in "the drama of her life" that she didn't even notice Bill jump out the window. She just sat there, drinking her booze, and smoking away. Bill was always running off. All the children knew he had a boyfriend, but they kept it quiet. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley turned a blind eye to Bill's bikini's and rainbow socks.  
  
A yell filled the Burrow, and there was a loud thumping noise, followed by wailing. Mrs. Weasley sighed, slid her chair back, and trudged upstairs. "Every single day," she roared. "I can never JUST SIT CAN I?!?!" In truth, Mrs. Weasley did nothing BUT sit. Sit around, drink, do drugs, it seemed. She stopped in front of the twins' room.  
  
"OPEN!" she yelled, smashing the half-empty bottle of "Wicked Witch Whisky" on their door. Fred guiltily opened the door, just a crack. "ALL THE WAY!" Mrs. Weasley scolded. Fred opened it, just a little further. "Fred, if you don't open that door, I swear to GOD YOU WILL END UP IN ST.MUNGO'S!" Fred swung the door open. Mrs. Weasley gasped.  
  
"DAMMIT! WHO MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! YOU ARE NOT TO TIE GEORGE TO A CHAIR AND KNOCK HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A POTTED PLANT!" she shrieked, looking at the dazed, gagged George. "Good God, Fred! What will I do with the two of you?"  
  
"Mum, he was standing over me with his wand. He was yellin' 'Avada Kedavero!' just to get me scared. Or 'Avada Kedavery!' or 'Avada Kedafera!' And so, I...um...knocked him out," Fred said, hanging his head.  
  
"George, were you trying to kill your brother AGAIN?" Mrs. Weasley exploded. George nodded feebly. "URRRRGGHHH! I can't stand you two!" Mrs. Weasley yelled. "If there are any more death threats made, I'll tell your father!" She stormed down the hall. But, she forgot how to get back to the kitchen. She stopped at Percy's room instead.  
  
She flung the door open and marched in. It was so messy. Tighty-whiteys hung from the ceiling, papers, pizza boxes, candies, and all sorts of junk littered the floor. Percy was asleep on the bed, beer belly hanging over his soiled underwear. He belched. There were owl feathers on his chest, and Hermes was mysteriously missing. Mrs. Weasley stormed out.  
  
"Ginny!" she shrieked. "I'm lost again!" Ginny walked slowly out of her room, clutching a plastic knife. She was stroking the knife, whispering to it. She bared her teeth at her mother, and shoved her down the stairs. Plump Mrs. Weasley bounced into the kitchen. "Thanks!" she called.  
  
Charlie was half-way in the window when she looked up. "WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT!" she asked, noticing his pants were missing.  
  
Charlie didn't care. "Spent the night with Blair, Chelsea, Andrea, Susan, Laura, Marie, and their other seven friends," he said, unabashed. "I think at least six of 'em are pregnant, though," he boasted. Mrs. Weasley glared at him.  
  
"Get the HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!" she yelled, and Charlie sauntered upstairs, probably to dick areound with the cat. There was another loud crash, Ron had fallen down the stairs.   
  
"MAMA!" he yelled. "I fall doooooooowwwwnnnnnn!" He then began barking, foaming at the mouth, and twitching. Mrs. Weasley walked calmly over, and burned him with a cigarette. He stopped thrashing around, and sat as still as can be, drooling. "Retard!" Mrs. Weasley yelled at him. And then, she promptly passed out.  
  
She came to a few hours later. Mr. Weasley was coming home. Marvelous. The door swung open, and Mr. Weasley walked in. "Molly?" he called. "Jesus, woman!" he yelled. "Did you drink the whole damn case of booze?" he yelled. He threw his briefcase at her, so she passed out again.  
  
"BILL! CHARLIE! PERCY! FRED! GEORGE! RON! GINNY! GET DOWN HERE!" Mr. Weasley screamed. The children all raced downstairs. Well, except for Bill, who crawled through the window. They all lined up. "Bill," barked Mr. Weasley. "Get my beatin' sticks!" Bill ran out, and returned a few minutes later with an assortment of spatulas. All steel, the words 'Whuppin' Stick' were engraved on them.   
  
"BEATEROSIA!" Mr. Weasley screamed. The spatulas beat all the children, while Mr. Weasley sat back, and laughed. After about ten minutes, the beating stopped.   
  
"Go on, get, you damn rodents!" Mr. Weasley yelled. The children scattered. Mrs. Weasley sat up, rubbing her head.  
  
"What the fresh hell?" she mumbled. She looked quizically at her husband. "What's going on?"  
  
"You were saying you wanted to shag," he said, matter-of-factly. "Let's go then."  
  
Mrs. Weasley nodded. "Okay, Arthur, but if I get pregnant again, I warn you...I'll use my severing charm!"  
  
(YAY! Tune in again for the next chapter: THE TRUE HARRY POTTER: AKA NAUGHTY PUMPERNICKEL!) 


	2. Off to Diagon Alley

A/N: This was originally going to be a Harry Potter chapter, but I love writing about the Weasleys. And of course, all their problems. Once again, I own nothing. J.K. Rowling would probably sue me if she saw the way I abused her poor characters. ;) Well, then, read, enjoy, review, or die! :-* kiss!  
  
"Get in here!" Mrs. Weasley shrieked. She was standing in front of a fireplace, holding a bag of Floo powder. "We hafta go to Diagon Alley. I think... Arthur? Are we going to Diagon Alley?" She dipped her hand into the Floo powder, then licked her fingers.  
  
"Yeah," Mr. Weasley grunted, while shoving sharp objects into Bill's flowery purse.   
  
"Dad, don't tear the embroidery!" Bill whined. Mr. Weasley grabbed a pen, and poked it through Bill's hand. "Owwww!"  
  
Charlie walked downstairs, followed by three naked women. They smiled, waved at his parents, and walked out the door. Charlie smiled, "That's Melissa, and Carmen, and Briget. Ana and Jenny are still upstairs."  
  
Percy began to yell, "Carry meeeeee! I don't wanna waaaaaaallllkkk!" Mrs. Weasley rolled her eyes, and continued eating the Floo Powder.  
  
"We're leaving without you, then," Mrs. Weasley yelled. "Besides, I ate your portion of the Floo Powder."  
  
Soon there was a shriek that echoed throughout the Burrow. Suddenly everyone could hear "THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP!" as though somebody had fallen down the stairs. Somebody had, as a matter of fact, "fallen" down the stairs.   
  
"MUUUUUUUM!" a voice cried. "GEORGE PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS AGAIN!"   
  
Mrs. Weasley snorted. "I'm sure you deserved it Fred. But, anyway, you now have permission to burn George with a cigarette when he comes downstairs."  
  
"YAY!" Fred yelled, jumping up, and running into the living room. Mrs. Weasley glared at him.  
  
"Dammit, George, how many times must I tell you NOT TO PUSH FRED DOWN THE STAIRS!" she yelled, spit and Floo Powder flying from her lips.  
  
"Mum, I'm Fred, not George," Fred said.  
  
"A likely story," Mrs. Weasley scoffed. Just then, George walked in, and Mrs. Weasley grabbed him, and placed a cigarette in his hand. "Go on, then, burn George," she said.  
  
George smiled. "Okay, Mum," he said, walking towards Fred.  
  
"Mum! No, I'm FRED!" Fred yelled. "OWWWWW!" he cried, as George pressed the cigarette against Fred's arm.  
  
Mrs. Weasley turned to Fred. "Well, George, I hope you've learned your lesson. If you push Fred down the stairs one more time-," she started.  
  
"I'll get my golf clubs out," Mr. Weasley interrupted, grinning evilily.   
  
At that moment, Ginny came downstairs, carrying Ron on her shoulders, with a knife clenched in her fist.   
  
"All right, off to Diagon Alley. Percy has to stay here because I don't like him and I ate his Floo Powder," Mrs. Weasley said. She stepped into the flames. Unfortunately, she had forgotten to add the Floo Powder, and burned her feet very badly. She tried again, and shouted "Diagon Alley!" and was gone.  
  
Bill skipped in, and yelled "Gay Man Island! I mean, Diagon Alley!" and disappeared.  
  
Charlie went in next, condoms spilling out of his pockets. "Diagon Alley," he mumbled, and disappeared as well.  
  
Fred walked in, rubbing his arm. "Diagon Alley," he sniffed, and was whisked away.  
  
George, giggling, walked in next. He gleefully shouted, "Diagon Alley!" and disappeared as the others had.  
  
Ginny threw Ron into the fireplace. He sat there, looking confused. Then he began to yell, "Pineapple!" Ginny leapt in and hissed, "Diagon Alley," in an evil voice, and disappeared with a shrieking Ron.  
  
"Diagon Alley," Mr. Weasley said, grabbing a poker, and pocketing it. Just in case somebody pissed him off. 


	3. Of Metros and Celebrities

(Disclaimer: No, I don't own the characters. But that doesn't stop me from abusing them!)  
  
"Okay. Everybody get your school stuff and meet back her in two hours," Mrs. Weasley said, grinning madly. Her teeth had turned green from the floo powder feast. She reached into her pocket, and pulled out a grubby leather pouch. "Now, you each get two galleons and five sickles, so you best buy your things at a good price." Mrs. Weasley turned the bag over, but nothing came out. "Where the hell's the money, I-," she smiled slowly. "Oh, yeah. I used your school money to buy my drugs. Well, you're shit out of luck."  
  
"Uh, mum, we can just go to Gringotts, y'know," Bill said, making kissy-faces in his compact.  
  
"Nah, I had to empty the account to bail your ho-bag mother outta jail last month," Mr. Weasley grunted.  
  
Ron, who had his finger lodged firmly up his nose began to cough. And cough. And cough. Ginny walked over, and poked him in the back with her knife. He shrieked, and a bag of sickles fell out of his mouth. Everybody stared at him, confused. "Yum," Ron said, picking the bag up. He opened it, ready to pour the sickles down his throat when Mr. Weasley yelled, "Accio bag!"  
  
He caught it and gave Ron a horrid look. Ron smiled stupidly, and scratched his bum. "Retard!" Mr. Weasley yelled at him, while smacking him around the head with the poker.   
  
Leaving Ron bleeding and twitching in the street, he gave each child a single sickle. When they stared at him, duboiusly, he explained, "Steal the rest or yer school stuff. I'm takin' this bag, and gettin' drunk off my ass. C'mon, Molly." And with that, the Weasley parental-units left.  
  
"I'm going to Madame Maxine's Magic Makeup Shop," Bill said. "I can't go to school unless I have may Super Glossy Lipgloss That Is Glossy And You Put On Your Lips, or my Blue Eyeshadow that is Eyeshadow That Is Bluer Than A Blue Thing," he paused. "Oooh, and I need a manicure," he said, pulling bottles of nailpolish out of his purse. "Should I paint them Passion Pink, Passionate Pink, Passion Pinkish, or Passionately Pink?"  
  
Charlie looked Bill up and down. "Whatevah," he said. "I need condoms. And a hot chick. Think if I go down Hooker Alley I can get one for a sickle?"  
  
Bill scrunched up his nose. "I think you should get a manicure with me. I know you think they're gay, but they're not. They're...METRO! Girls like metro guys. And gay guys, 'cause they know they won't hit on them. Let's put our sickles together, and go full on gay...I mean...metro."  
  
Charlie considered this. "Well, my last fifteen girlfriends were always talking about how cute Elton John is. He's metro, right?"   
  
"Suuuuure," Bill said. "Metro." He grabbed Charlie's hand, and dragged him towards "Madame Bob's Manicures."  
  
Ron, still bleeding, and occaisionally screaming out "TOMATO!" sat up, and pulled a galleon out of his nose. Ginny held a knife to his throat, and snatched it away.   
  
"That machine gun at the muggle shop is MINE," she said, before walking off, grinning like a loony. Ron trotted after her, like a faithful dog.  
  
Fred, still rubbing his arm, glared at George. George glared back. "What the hell are you looking at?" they both asked in unison.   
  
"I ASKED FIRST," each said, again, in unison.  
  
"God, you're retarded," Fred said.  
  
"Well, you're ugly!"  
  
"Your nose is too big!"  
  
"Your nose isn't big enough!"  
  
"WE'RE IDENTICAL!"  
  
"NO WE'RE NOT! YOU'RE THE UGLY ONE!"  
  
"YOUR MUM'S A WHORE!"  
  
"WE HAVE THE SAME MUM!"  
  
The twins began fighting, but were pulled apart by a boy with black hair.   
  
"Who are you?" Fred spat, angrily.  
  
"Yeah, who do you think you are?" George asked.  
  
The boy smiled sadistically. "I am...HARRY POTTER! THE BOY WHO LIVED!!!!!" 


End file.
